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Sleep and Togetherness
By Melissa Miller of Miller Wellness Group
Sleep is a powerful force in our lives – getting enough brings increased emotional and physical health, helps with weight management, and gives a general sense of well-being.
Not getting enough sleep can: bring about mood changes, daytime fatigue, wreak havoc with weight management, and lead to other unhealthy dangers like auto and workplace accidents.
What to do? Most of us have heard about good sleep hygiene – keep your room dark, no LED’s near your head, slow your evening down progressively as bedtime nears, avoid upsetting TV or radio, play soft music, take a warm bath, have a comfortable mattress, and so on.
All good for getting in the mood for sleep. But what if you have a partner who:
Likes rowdy sex at night
Snores loudly
Doesn’t bathe before going to bed
Let’s the dogs/cats sleep in bed with you
Wants to talk just when it’s time for lights out
Likes the room too warm or too cold for you
Goes to bed and gets up at different times than you do
Sleeps with music or talk shows on (TV or radio, earplugs or not)
Gets up several times at night
One or both of you get stressed, anxious, agitated as soon as you lie down
Have restless leg syndrome or other disruptive sleep difficulties Yes, the “what if’s” are a long list! You can try ear plugs, sex earlier in the evening, and talking about your different sleep needs. For physical problems you can get medical advice. You can buy a new mattress. You can talk it all through together, with or without a therapist, depending on how badly your relationship has been affected by sleep issues. OK – you’ve done all either of you can think of to do – and it’s not working. You’re still not getting regular, healthy amounts of sleep. The options include:
Take a 20 minute nap every day – before 3PM for least interference with nighttime sleep
Arrange your work schedule to go in and leave later
Agree to spend the last hour before bed either winding down together or apart, so you begin to relax
Get the (beloved) pets out of the bedroom
Sleep in different rooms Ahhh..that’s a kicker, isn’t it? Most people say they won’t even consider sleeping apart, yet according to a 2005 National Sleep Foundation survey, 24% of happy, devoted couples sleep apart. The downside of sleep deprivation is simply too great, as is their desire to remain a couple. What do these couples do to remain close? In my psychotherapy practices over the past 16 years, these are the most common things couples do when they need to sleep apart (not in any special order):
They:
Have sex during the day, and end the evening with some affectionate, loving, non-sexual gesture
Reassure each other of their reasons for sleeping apart, and think of those reasons as relationship enhancers
Don’t tell anyone – many couples find it embarrassing to admit they sleep apart
Intentionally spend time each day talking with each other about the good aspects of their relationship
Share their feelings about sleeping apart – often people feel sad, cheated, and disappointed because sleeping apart wasn’t what they had counted on when they got married
Pay great attention to being great friends and companions
Stay together when they would have divorced or broken off a non-married relationship, otherwise So consider yourself fortunate if you can sleep with your partner in the same room (and bed) – and if you have successfully negotiated how to remain a loving, intimate couple even though you sleep apart, consider yourself blessed in a special way. Melissa Miller, LCSW
Miller Wellness Group
800-557-5143
melissa@melissacmiller.com
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Contributor's Note
As a licensed clinical social worker with 16 years of expereince, I've often helped individuals and couples with sleep issues. Getting the right amount of sleep has helped many couples regain happy, satisfying relationships.
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Great intel Lisa. At times I've had problems sleeping myself. I'll be following you and am looking forward to your next intel.. Gina
Thanks Liss for pointing out some logical solutions on this issue.
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