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Resolution
By Melissa Miller
While not overly enthusiastic at first with this week's topic, I quickly realized that writing about "fighting" could be beneficial both to me and perhaps others, as we learn more about how to fight, and how to reach resolution. Also, some people will undoubtedly write about fighting in different ways - boxing, kickboxing, gang fights, movies - the possibilities are endless. My choice is an interpersonal look at fighting, using an example from my own life. This is the tale of the fight, not the tale of how not to have them. My friend and I met when I was 21 and working in a children's clothing store - she and her baby daughter would come in to get cool in the store's air conditioning, since their apartment didn't have AC. We slowly became the best sort of friends - there for each other through thick and thin - and there was a lot of thin. We had two children each, and loved the seven or eight years we had of living only a few miles apart. Then she moved, we both went through divorces, and although we remained in touch, something began to go wrong. I remarried and was happy, at the same time she was changing jobs and becoming increasingly unhappy. Our phone calls became difficult - it seemed I was frequently letting her down, yet she couldn't tell me what she needed. she tried hard, and I tried to listen, but I wasn't understanding. One year, two years, then three years went by without any communication from her. I called her occasionally, once specifically to try to find out what was happening between us. She would only say, "I need to know you're going to be there for me." I responded with "OK, I'm trying to call you, write you, pray for you, I offered financial help if you need it - I just don't know what you mean when you ask if I'll be there for you!" Finally, I gave up. I thought about her often, but didn't know how to call again - what could I say? I didn't have any more ideas or questions. Seven years went by. This was a long fight of an intimate type, even though we weren't in communication at all. I loved my friend, and chose to believe - hope, perhaps - that she loved me. One day my phone rang. My friend said, "I want to ask for your forgiveness." We talked for an hour or so, forgiveness asked for and granted on both sides. She acknowledged, "How could you know what I needed, when I couldn't tell you because I didn't know myself? It was easier to blame you than face myself." We cried over the lost time, and determined to work out whatever remained to be cleared up, and restore our friendship. That was 10 year ago. Ten years of renewed, vital friendship. 10 years of exchanging encouragement, faith, and joy. 10 years of allowing the past to be not forgotten, but part of the deeply intertwined threads of our lives. The resolution involved two choices - hers to call me again (I probably never would have called her - I was afraid of being rejected, or worse, forgotten), and mine to ask for forgiveness for my part in the continuation of our estrangement. Our "fight" lasted 10 long years. During the years of estrangement, I prayed for her to be all right, to call me, to be my friend again. She prayed to understand what had come between us, own her part in it, and eventually, for the courage to believe she could call me, even if it meant finding out I no longer cared. She had, and has, a practical courage that I admire. The resolution involved two choices; the ongoing friendship requires a myriad of choices - and we are making them. Our families are changing, we have lived hundreds of miles apart for 20 years, our life experiences are very different, and our friendship bridges them all because of two common factors: our love for each other, and our faith. This is part of what I learned: when fighting - use what you believe in to help you cast aside pride, hurt feelings, sorrow - anything that keeps you from restoring an otherwise healthy friendship. Stay calm, pray if you pray, be accountable, wait until the other person is ready, and don't give up. You don't have to do it perfectly - we didn't, and were still blessed with a restored friendship. |
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February, 2012
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