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Mourning By Melissa Miller The Mourning Series: Missing Mom, in Three Parts Part 1 There have been many ways I’ve missed my Mom over the years – When I went to Kindergarten and she left me at the door… When I stayed home from school, sick, and she went to play bridge… (I wasn’t very sick and she was just next door – I missed her but it was thrilling to be home alone…) When she and my Dad went to Jamaica… I was about 8, and I missed them but was also excited about how far away they were (where was Jamaica, anyway?)… When I went to college and all the notes came from my Dad… When I got married and moved away and she was angry… When she disapproved of my choices and I got mad at her, for a long time… When she visited me after the birth of my second child, and then left me alone with 2 kids…(naturally!) When my Dad died, and I had to leave her to go home to New York and my own family… At every holiday or family celebration... When we took our last trip to San Francisco, knowing it would be our last… Every day, because long ago I had realized what a treasure she really was… Now I miss her when I see something she would love or think of something to tell her and my hand reaches for the phone… And I miss her when I think of my younger son, soon to marry… I miss her when my car automatically heads toward her house, or I pass her favorite restaurant. I already missed her when we were whispering our last I love you’s… I missed her as her last breath slipped from her lips and she was transformed… Yes, I am in deeper mourning now, since my mother passed away two weeks ago. But the above is intended only to give you a context for what is yet to come – the real article begins here, and is titled: “Faith, Hope, and Love, and the Greatest of These…” Part 2 My mother had faith in me when I had lost faith in myself. Hard times seemed to come pretty often. I had faith in my mother even when she disappointed me, painfully. My mother always hoped for the best for me; I knew that, even when we disagreed about what “the best” was. I always hoped to please my Mom in healthy ways. Often it was hard. My mother loved me every day of my life, even when I was absent from her due to physical or emotional distance. I loved my mother when I grew up enough to know how human we both were, and how devoted. While in truth I always loved her, it took longer than I care to admit for me to accept her for who she was. I was given a tremendous gift, however, when I was able to be with my mother for the last 5 weeks of her life. My younger sister and I, supported by our faith, our families, and the wonderful people from Hospice, cared for Mom as lung cancer took her all too quickly for us, and with perfect timing, for her. She declined much faster than the doctors had at first thought she would, yet her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren were all able to visit her. She relished the robins nesting outside her screened-in porch, so coffee in the morning was always an adventure – how were the babies? Was mother robin feeding them as she should? Would the nest hold up under the power of the coming thunderstorm? Metaphors in Creation for the story of her life – Can I, did I, take “good enough” care of my family? Did I help them leave the nest at the right time? Am I helping them now as I reach my final days? Mom – yes, yes, and yes again. Life is complicated, but definitely, yes. Three years ago my sister Susan picked up a little Amish book and gave it to our Mother. It was a story of people putting their faith into action, sometimes imperfectly, every day. It was a story of families overcoming troubles with faith and love. That book led to about 100 others, shared with Suzy and me and her closest friend and anyone who mentioned wanting a book to read. That little book from the grocery store led to a revival of my Mother’s faith. Not that she had ever really lost it, even when my Dad, the love of her life, died 23 years ago – but it went underground somewhere and she didn’t talk about it. Now, with these books as a vehicle, she could talk about and explore her faith. Last Christmas she was so happy to give every woman in the family an Amish cookbook – we found 9 copies of this out of print book through the Internet, and she was delighted when I would come over, package in hand, because another book had come! They were wrapped as they arrived – my mother liked to be prepared! Sometime during her last day, Mom may have had a small stroke. She was trying to talk to us, and the words weren’t words. We interpreted pretty well, but it must have been frustrating for her on some level. We stood by her side, held her hands, and each rested, head on her shoulder, as she slept. We discovered these simple actions eased her. All she could communicate now was her love for us, with her eyes and her tender touches. It was enough; she nourished us until her last moments. My Mom gave me faith, hope and love all my life. And in the end, the truth of the verse became ever more clear as in her last moments on earth she ministered to us with “the greatest of these”… Love. Part 3: Using this article Please use the following as an introduction to your own grief work – some ideas to encourage you to explore your thoughts and feelings. Write them down so you can refer to, revise, and talk about them later. The question: What can we learn from someone else’s experience of grief and mourning? We can learn what we do or don’t want to do when grief and mourning come into our lives. We can experience a bit of what it might be like, in advance. We can clarify how we want to care for and relate to the person who is at the last stage of life. We can heal old wounds; draw closer to family members. We can forgive. We can renew our faith. We can hope, allowing our hope to change gracefully as new truths emerge. We can show love. We can receive love. "And now abide faith, hope, and love, these three, but the greatest of these is love." 1st Cor. 13:12,13 (NKJV) Dedicated with enduring respect and love, to my Mother Melissa Miller, LCSW melissacmiller.com 800-557-5143

Contributed by Liss Miller on August 13, 2010, at 6:44 PM UTC.

PLEASE VISIT THE CONTRIBUTOR'S WEBSITE

Articles, coaching, and counseling Options for hope and healing www.melissacmiller.com

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biblefreeorg respected this intel. Jul 14, 2011

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Hi Liss,
Thank you for sharing this touching intel. My sympathy to you on the loss of you Mother. I lost my Mom when I had turned 15 years old. It was a very sad and trying time for me as well, At that age I needed her more than ever. I still think of her often and I'll always have good memories of her.
God Bless You,
Gina

prican02 Aug 13, 2010 23:28

CONTRIBUTOR'S REPLY

I loved reading your very warm and moving intel. Thanks so much for sharing your heart. I lost my mother 16 years ago and I was with her when she left this earth with a smile on her face. Indeed it is a gift. I love 1 Cor.13, too.

Blessings,
LadyD

LadyD Aug 16, 2010 23:36

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This intel was contributed by Liss Miller Liss Miller

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