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Intimacy Through Effective Communcication
There are a few good steps to having a strong, positive communication style, and using them will help you in any relationship. These techniques are not new, and are found in many counseling modalities, so I’m going to summarize them here. Anyone wanting more information can feel free to contact me through one of my websites, or Qassia. Step 1
Other than for casual conversational exchanges, be sure you ask if the other person has time to talk, and tell them how much time you think you need, before launching into the topic on your mind. It’s annoying to have someone assume you’re ready to talk, when in fact you’re in the middle of something else – and being annoyed is not a good way to begin a conversation! Step 2
When you’ve spoken the equivalent of a few short paragraphs, ask the other person to tell you what they heard. If it sounds like they understood you, you’re all set. You can say, “there’s a bit more…” or you can say, “Yes, that’s it.” Step 3
Ask the person you’re speaking with to let you know if what you said makes sense to them – NOT whether or not they agree with you, but can they follow your line of thinking. They should be able to say something like, “Yes, what you said makes sense to me.” If they can’t say that, it’s a good idea to rephrase your original communication, by repeating steps 2 and then 3, until your line of thinking makes sense. Again, this step is not about agreement, but about “If I was inside your head thinking as you do, your line of thinking would make sense to me.” Step 4
Ask the person you’re speaking with to imagine what you’re feeling about the topic under discussion. Naming an emotion or two is all that’s needed here for the other person to show empathy. Just acknowledge, “Yes, that’s how I feel” or “No, I actually feel this way…” then offer the other person a chance to respond in the same way. Using these 4 steps can bring a deeper or renewed sense of intimacy and trust to any relationship. It gives you credibility as a good listener, as well as giving you practice in not formulating your response while the other person is still talking – an ineffective habit many people have which causes them to miss out on much of what the other person is trying to communicate. If you’d like a more complete explanation of these steps, send me an email!
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